The following is a transcript of a seance which took place on January 28th 2019, between the spirit of William Burke and a trope of famed economists hired by Western governments to institute new ideas intended to “jolt” and “promote” growth within their respective markets.
William Burke was a serial killer who lived in Edinburgh, Scotland. Over the course of 10 months, in the year 1828, he murdered 16 people. He’s respected among economists for inventing the process of “Burking.” A method of suffocation where Burke sat on the victim’s chest and pinched their nose until breathing expired. He killed with the intention to sell the bodies to various anatomy teachers, who used the bodies in their class lessons. Marketing, economic and accounting professors the world over preach his story to their students as an example of utilizing the resources available to a capitalist to make a profit.
The identities of the participants have been censored due to the classified nature of the government document. E1 meaning Economist 1, followed through to E6.
E1- How will we know when he’s here?
E4-He’ll announce himself.
E1-How do you know?
E4-Myself and (name censored) had a seance a few years ago. After we made contact the spirit announced herself.
E2-Herself. Who’d you summon?
E4-It’s not relevant.
E6-Come on…you have to tell us…
E4 Alright. Alright. I summoned Anna Nicole Smith.
E4-I don’t want to talk about it.
E6-Come on….come on…
E4-Ok. Ok. I heard she buried her fortune…well…I was hoping she’d tell me where it was.
*All laugh in unison*
E4-Alright. Alright. Let’s move on…shall we…
E1-Oh great spirit of William Burke. We summon thee. Please. Find us and tell us of your ways.
E3-Psh. I knew all this was bullsh…
William Burke-Who dares disturb my slumber!
E1-Oh great William Burke. Forgive us. We only wish to seek your council.
William Burke-Awww. I’m just playing y’all. I get asked to speak to ya weirdos all the time.
E4-Who else has summoned you? Russians? Chinese?
William Burke-Chinese did in the 70s.
E3 (slams their fist on the table)-Dammit! I knew it! I knew they couldn’t come up with that all by themselves. You know Nixon takes credit for your work.
William Burke-Yah. Yah. I know. What can ye do? Screw ‘em. He’s having a great time in Hell.
William Burke-Oh yeah. Him and Satan are great buddies. They play rummy every Wednesday night. Of course. If Satan loses…Nixon is severely tortured until the following Wednesday.
E4-Does he ever lose?
William Burke (laughing)-He did at first, but Nixon quickly learned. Thing is he has to lose every so often, or else Satan tortures him for allowing him to win.
E6-Damn. Sounds like a UN meeting.
E1-Right. If we didn’t have the World Bank bailing out those shit countries…
E2-Zip it. Did you forget we’re on tape?
E5-Anyway…Mr. Burke, we were hoping you could provide us with some new, uhh, let’s call ‘em methods, or plans…on strengthening our, uhhh…economies.
William Burke-I’d say y’all are doing pretty great as is, I mean, you’re harboring the richest fucks the human race has ever seen!
E5-Yeah. Especially if you keep helping the damn Chinese.
William Burke-I go where I am needed.
E3-Then why’d you come here?
William Burke-It gets boring down in Hell.
E4-What’s it like?
William Burke-You ever been to Oklahoma?
E6-I’m from there.
E2-Wait are you referencing the whole state of Oklahoma, or a specific city in the state?
William Burke-The whole state. Hell is like driving through Oklahoma with no A/C for all eternity.
E6-Sounds like fun.
William Burke-Well. This has been fun…but I am going to go. I got a 5 0’ clock with a succubus…whooeee…she sure knows how to bite a man’s head off, literally. Peace out, y’all.
E1-Great. Now what?
E4-Hmmm…we could go with Plan B?
E4-Yes. The pandemic.
E2-I like the way you think.
E1-So. We’re agreed. We’re going with the pandemic solution?
The transcript ends there.