The process to present riot gear as aesthetically pleasing to the populace while retaining a menacing essence required months of research. A weapons manufacturer printed advertisements in popular right wing publications requesting “Men and Women of all shapes and sizes” to serve their country like never before. Patriotic men slid their bellies off from their kitchen tables, suited up in sweatpants and a 3X button down and marched beside Karen to the arms dealership that called for their presence. 

Upon arrival they were instructed to take off every bit of clothing but their skivvies, as tailors stepped forward and took various measurements of their bodies with a tape ruler. One of the more bashful models questioned:

“Is it a problem that I am…well…bigger…”

“No, no, no.” The tailor responded. “Not at all. In-fact a lot of, ahem, bigger people will be wearing the very pieces you’re assisting us in making.” 

From this data the manufacturer worked tirelessly to design and procure several mock-ups of helmets, armor, shields and batons. They developed a mantra within their workshop and repeated it several times a day, often ending the phrase with a salute. FOR GOD AND COUNTRY AND TOMMY HILFIGER!

Several months of work culminated in the announcement of a fashion show. Governors from every state were invited along with the police chiefs and sheriffs of several major cities. The president and his cabinet were invited too. The event took place on a Friday night, but the guests were dressed in their Sunday best. Lazy-Boy recliners were brought in and placed along the cat-walk to ensure maximum comfort for the attendees. The show commenced, after each model completed their strut from one end of the walkway to the other, the audience clapped while some whispered to their neighbor: “oh yes. Very nice. That’s cute! I like that!” 

After it was finished the hosts invited comments and concerns from the crowd. The governor of California was the first to stand and suggested:

“I really enjoyed number three. The black armor really holds the light, which will look nice when rioters set a building on fire. Also. The helmet…” He shook his head in approval. “Very scary!” 

The governor of Wisconsin chimed in:

“I agree! However, I would pair the armor from number three with the helmet from number seven. The police would look like modern day gladiators.” 

“Great observation.” the Minneapolis police chief said in agreement. 

Debates continued for several hours and went well into the new day morning. When they came to an agreement, all of them shook hands and went to the White House for mimosas and as the President described them “the finest white ladies this side of the Mississippi.”